How do you tell the children about a divorce?

The question “How do you tell the children about a divorce?” is one where all the top London divorce solicitors will tell you there is no one single right answer. In the same way, that there is no standard family there is no standard answer.

Most London children solicitors and childcare professionals recommend that children are told about a planned separation or the start of divorce proceedings by both parents. That is not always possible, for example if one parent works away from home. It is not always the best option if one parent is angry about the separation or divorce proceedings and cannot contain their own anger or hurt whilst the discussion with the children takes place.

How can OTS Solicitors help?

The family law team at OTS Solicitors advise on all aspects of family and children law and have particular experience in helping parents reach agreement and compromise on parenting plans and custody and contact arrangements.

If parents cannot reach agreement on residence and contact arrangements OTS Solicitors provide representation in applications for child arrangements orders, other types of children court applications and international children law cases.

For advice on any aspect of children law advice please get in touch with OTS Solicitors on 0203 959 9123 to arrange an appointment to speak to one of our experienced London children law solicitors.

Telling children about a separation or divorce   

The best London divorce solicitors tend to find that parents are reluctant to tell their children about a planned separation or divorce because they want to be able to give their children all the answers to anticipated questions about:

• Where will we live?
• Will I still see mum or dad?
• Will I still go to the same school?

Some parents want to put off telling their children about a planned separation or divorce until they themselves know the answer to all those questions. However, the top London divorce solicitors will tell you that it takes time to sort out making a decision, for example, on whether a family home should be sold or the precise custody and contact arrangements. That means that either the decision to tell children has to be put off or the children have to be told, in age appropriate language, the basics without going into the details of the precise custody and contact arrangements.

Tips on talking to children about a separation or divorce 

The best London divorce solicitors recognise that going through a separation or divorce is tough on the parents, let alone the children. However, top of the list of the most anxiety creating topics is how to tell the children about a planned separation or divorce. Once the decision has been made to talk to the children, and the conversation has taken place, most parents and even the children feel better. That is because children have often noticed the fact that things are not right at home or overheard things but have not felt able to initiate the conversation.  

The top London divorce solicitors have many years of experience in talking to parents about how they plan to talk to their children about their separation or divorce and have the following tips:

1. Your child will remember how and when they were told about a parental separation or divorce. Try to plan how and when you will tell your child. For example, avoiding school examination time unless you cannot avoid it or avoiding telling children when they are due to go to football club or when they are hungry and therefore fractious;
2. If you have children of different age ranges, think about how it is best to tell your children. Some families think it is best to have a separate conversation with the older children followed by a conversation with the younger children whilst others think it best to tell the children together and then have separate conversations. No one can tell you what is best for your children, but most top London divorce solicitors will tell you that the older children will not be able to stop themselves from telling the younger children.
3. Make sure that you are definitely going to separate or divorce before you tell the children. Sometimes parents are not 100% sure of their decision so you need to wait to tell the children. If you have made the decision to attend Relate then, with some older children, it is appropriate to tell them that so that they know that you and your partner are trying to sort things out to ease the tensions at home.
4. Try to tell the children together about the separation or divorce proceedings. That may not work for you. If it does not, try to tell the other parent what you have said so that they can give the children the same message, for example that the separation is not down to the children and that they are still loved by both parents.
5. The children do not need to know the details behind the separation or divorce. For example, that the divorce proceedings have been started because of an unreasonable behaviour or adultery divorce petition or that the children may not be able to go on holiday because spousal maintenance has not been agreed.
6. The children are likely to ask questions and want reassurances. Depending on their age, the child may be clingy or moody. Consider telling a childminder, schoolteacher or other important adults in the children’s lives so that they know that there is a reason behind the child’s behaviour. They can then make allowances for the child’s behaviour.
7. Children may be focused on practical issues, such as whether they will still be able to go to football club or swimming lessons or cubs.
8. Although a parent’s focus is on the one conversation, the likelihood is that there will be a series of conversations with one or both parents about the separation or divorce. If you have talked to a child about the separation or divorce as part of a dialogue of conversations , then consider telling your partner so they can provide consistent answers if the child asks them the same questions.
9. Children can be helped not only by school counsellors and friends but also with books. Many authors have written books for all ages of children. Books can be particularly helpful for very young children as bedtime stories can reinforce the message that having two homes can be fun. For teenagers who refuse to communicate the gift of a book can be one way to try to help them.

The best London children solicitors will advise you that there is no set formula to enable parents to create the ideal parenting plan and parenting schedule. That is because each family is unique and your plan needs to meet the needs of your children and family.

How can OTS Solicitors help?

Divorce and separations are difficult. Our empathetic and experienced family team at OTS Solicitors are here to help and guide you through the process. OTS Solicitors advise on all aspects of family and children law and have particular experience in helping parents agree parenting plans, representing parents in applications for child arrangements orders and international children law cases.

For advice on any aspect of children law please get in touch with us on 0203 959 9123 to arrange an appointment to speak to one of our experienced family and children solicitors.